​Autumn Show - Readthrough and Auditions Bullshot Crummond: The Evil Eye of Jabar and The Invisible Bride of Death

Good evening radio listeners. What are you doing a month from now? Never mind, I don't care.
What you should be doing is auditioning for Bullshot 2, the ever so secret sequel to 2023s runaway success, Bullshot 1 (known in promotional print as simply 'Bullshot Crummond')
What is Bullshot you may ask? Well, what would be one letter away from an all-out Freudian slip, the likes of which would make the BBC censors pass out with shock, is in fact a globe-trotting, high-flying, death-defying adventure of truly terrific proportions. Dashing heroes, evil villains and strange carpet salesmen are just a few of the participants in this outrageous new adventure. Characters new and old become embroiled in a treacherous scheme plotted by returning villain, 
Otto Von Bruno. Standing in his way is the lantern-jawed, statuesque and stoic man's man Captain Hugh Crummond, ready to, once again, thwart Von Bruno's evil plans and finally tie the knot with his bride-to-be, Rosemary Fenton.

A Readthrough will take place on Wednesday the 29th of July, followed by auditions on Wednesday the 5th of August, both at Kew Scouts, Station Avenue, Kew TW9 3QA at 8PM sharp.

Email [email protected] for an audition pack.

Characters: 

HUGH ‘BULLSHOT’ CRUMMOND – Our dashing, chisel-jawed, movie star hero is full of pumped-up ego, but sadly wanting in brainpower. Brimming with derring-do, he is constantly on the lookout for anything and anyone who would threaten his beloved British Empire. In his mind at least, he is a warrior without a war on a lonely crusade to protect the ‘tedium’ of peacetime with manly action. Squarely in his sights is Otto Von Bruno, his symbiotic archenemy since WW1 days. Fully aware of his drop-dead looks and in the prime of life at 30-something, Crummond sadly has no clue about romance. The best he can offer up in the arena of courtship is to confess to his one-and-only Rosemary that he’s “terribly fond” of her.

MISS ROSEMARY FENTON – Our heroine English rose is liberally endowed with romantic schoolgirl dreams, but only vague stirrings of female equality. In her late 20’s/early 30’s, she is as confused as Crummond about the movie-poster style “feelings” they have for each other, she is most at ease in the bucolic aura of her rustic cottage. Surprisingly, she is fearless when it comes to protecting a family member and possesses an acute intuitive sense of what to do when salvaging Crummond from a perilous situation. The latter event occurs more frequently than she – or he – would ever admit.

OTTO VON BRUNO – The epitome of the 1930’s ‘B’ movie German villain: shaved head, monocle, jodhpurs, concealed Luger at the ready, etc., In his late 30’s/early 40’s, Von Bruno has been Crummond’s arch-nemesis since their glorious, actionpacked days of WW1. Ignoring the Armistice, Von Bruno has tirelessly continued that conflict, intent on destroying Crummond’s cherished British Empire once and for all, then installing himself in command of a new world order. In fact, he shares more character traits with Crummond than either would ever realize: inflated ego, dunderheadedness, blinkered worldview and unapologetic patriotism. Von Bruno enjoys (or rather suffers) a nebulous relationship with Lenya, with whom he shares a mutual distrust and lack of respect.

LENYA VON BRUNO – We are never really sure whether Lenya is Otto’s glamorous mistress, his niece or (most likely) a ruthless accomplice who would destroy him in an instant, given the opportunity. In her late 20’s/early 30’s, she is unashamedly with Von Bruno for the power, the money and the potential fame, participating in his mad schemes even though they are forever thwarted by the “guile” of Hugh Crummond – for whom she has an animal attraction orchestrated by a vivid fantasy life. Lenya would be far happier living the high-life in Berlin, but feels a certain obligation to stick with Otto, who years ago (according to him) saved her from the gutters of Hamburg.

DOCTOR MORTON ‘CUCKOO’ CROXLEY – (50’s/60’s) A pioneer in the arcane field of invisibility, who will happily ‘Bore For Britain’ on the subject. His early attempts achieved only temporary success; once the effect wore off, he was left standing naked. Thanks to a chance encounter in Hyde Park, Crummond had him committed to an asylum. Croxley’s obsession with this backwater of science intensified during his incarceration, along with his hatred of Crummond. He is eager to continue his work, even for nefarious purposes if he can wreak revenge.

POLICE CONSTABLE – (4O’s) A local policeman (rural accent) out of his depth with the strange goings-on, but glad of the trusted protection afforded by his trained dog.

ALGY LONGWORT – (30’s/40’s) Crummond’s loyal, buck-toothed, chinless-wonder chum. Although he is eternally eager to join in all his mentor’s adventures, he is no match for Crummond’s stamina. Frankly, Algy would rather be ensconced in a St. James’s club demolishing a stiff gin and tonic and just talking about future exploits, as opposed to actually engaging in them in the field and getting muddy boots.

AUNT CHARLOTTE – (50’s/60’s) A no-nonsense, buxom British bull of a woman and Rosemary’s aunt. Despite her mannish hairstyle, sensible shoes, frumpy clothes and weapons-grade handbag, she is surprisingly heterosexual; eager to recount her conquests. Aunt Charlotte’s fondness for Rosemary and her devotion to her missing husband, emboldens her decision to navigate the perilous sands of the Sahara.

TICKET INSPECTOR – (40’s/50’s) A Salt-of-the-Earth type with a bulbous nose. He was one of Crummond’s loyal fellow soldiers in the Great War.

POLICEMAN ON TRAIN – (40’s) A dedicated Officer of the Law who abides by the book and expects everyone else to do the same. No exceptions. He means well.

FRENCH LEGIONNAIRE – (30’s/40’s) A loyal Corporal in the French Foreign Legion. His “brigade” of Legionnaires is under his tight control (literally) and only his deep respect for Crummond prevents him from exposing his hero’s blunders.

ACHMED – (30’s/40’s) A shifty, one-eyed, wall-eyed rug dealer with a suspect eyepatch. Achmed never lets a deal slip through his spidery fingers. He has all the wiles of a used car salesman when it comes to selling customized flying carpets, but is well versed in Jabar's ancient rituals and traditions.

​LARS LUTEFISK – (40’s/50’s) The real Master of Invisibility was driven to insanity by the process’ side effects. He devised a way to rule the world by inflicting natural disasters at the touch of a button – but needed the Eye of Jabar to trigger it. Lutefisk eventually lost his mind and ran screaming into the desert to die. He survives only as a holographic image, badly in need of a program update. He has a Scandinavian accent and his name aptly defines the gelatinous mess that his brain became.

UNCLE HERBERT – (60’s/70’s) Rosemary’s uncle and Charlotte’s missing husband. He originally joined forces with Lutefisk, who, in a fit of paranoid frenzy, locked Herbert in a cell and left him to die. Rashid took care of Herbert, but months of solitude and hardship took a savage toll on his mental capacities. He now babbles, shell-shocked, speaking in disjointed, abstract phrases that only he understands.

RASHID – (5,000 years old) An Ancient Egyptian slave who has survived the millennia as part of Jabar’s mythical cultural phenomena. Huge and dangerous, he patiently awaits the return of his Queen Nefertiti, loyally guarding her home. Every solstice he dreams of seeing her again and, dare he intone it, taking her as his bride.